


walking away from the republic

by seokjynerso



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drowning, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, Internal Monologue, Moving On, Platonic Soulmates, Songfic, hyyh/wings mv references intended, the ones who walk away from omelas references, tw: slight suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 13:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13190718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seokjynerso/pseuds/seokjynerso
Summary: ❝ i wanted to capture the most beautiful moments of our lives in my hands. i wanted to keep them forever.but forever doesn't exist. the tide comes and goes; no matter how hard the land tried to hold on to the ocean, water will still slip between the sand. ❞a first-person account of how the future supreme commander of the droid army lost his best comrade.prompt: a confession made from song lyrics.





	walking away from the republic

**Author's Note:**

> Following the prompt, the lyrics (in bold) and themes are taken from the song 봄날 (Spring Day).

**I̶ w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶.̶ I miss you.**

These words echoed in the chambers of my mind and flitted through the hollows of my bones. **_I miss you._** They do hurt, but I let them linger in my heart for a while as a cool breeze trapped in an empty shell, whispering of the ocean when I placed it gently on my ear. An old tale told in winds and waves.

You were the ocean, Ronderu. A wild enigma. A pure gift flowing from place to place. Free and boundless, knowing no home, no allegiance, no tribe. You were the calming water to my raging flame. You could drown me with your might if you wanted to, but I trusted you, and into you I poured my thoughts, my secrets, my insecurities一every fibre of my self worth. I would bare myself cold and shivering and vulnerable before you and you would return my words with subtle, but meaningful gestures. You understood. Soon, your heart took the shape of my own, accepting me and all my flaws (and I accepted you, too).

Your comrades revered you. Your enemies feared you. I remember your golden eyes shifting from place to place with a certain fierceness rippling on the surface. Placid, but never truly calm. A whirlwind of dual Lig swords would rouse you into tempestuous waves, crashing into beaches and rocks with a fury worthy of the gods, claiming the souls of reckless fools who dared to cross your path. Carcasses of dead Huk lie in your wake. You were the giver and taker of life. Fluid, always changing, yet somehow remained the same.

You were made from things ancient and ethereal. A fleeting dream of spring day, someone I once thought would shatter and disappear if our fingers brushed together. You were bursting with provocative confidence but at the same time too jaded for your age. Your intimidating gaze held a dark undercurrent of melancholy; a blossoming young woman with the scars of a being as old as time. I never learned why, but I still admire you and your undiscovered depths. You were my ocean, Ronderu.

Maybe that is why the ocean called you back home.

They called us twin demigods. You and I were two halves of a whole. My long-ranged attacks complemented your short-ranged ones (and we completed ourselves in many other ways). We were invincible when we were together. But that day, you slipped from my grasp and flew too high.

We were fighting on the beach, together but torn away from each other by a maddening blur of green carapaces, swords and spears. I held my breath, aiming for headshots with my slugthrower rifle, water crawling over bloodied sand reaching for my feet while you fought on an abandoned platform, high against the blinding sky.

The Huk invaders had managed to overwhelm your defenses. You had nowhere to run. Your twin swords clashed against waves and waves of barbed shears. You were worn down, wounded, cornered, steps away from nothingness. I could have saved you, but一

A brief scream pierced the air and you were gone.

The Kaleesh kolkpravis emerged victorious. Everywhere, praises were sung to the god of war, but I felt not at peace. When the tide of battle subsided and the fallen were left to burn, I closed my eyes and dove into the Jenuwaa sea. The belly of the ocean had swallowed all light, but I swam deeper, deeper, deeper, hoping for a glimpse of you in murky shadows, caring not even when salty brine seeped through my bandages, digging into my injuries.

Shallow breaths scraped raw against my throat and specks of stars darted past my face but you were still gone. Fellow warriors of the kolkpravis seized their khan by the shoulders, trying to pull me back to land, but I struggled against their grip, kicking around in the water. _Let me find her,_ I screamed. _Please._

_I need to bring her back._

The next thing I remember was my body thrashing violently on the shore, aching limbs tangled with crystals of sand and salt. I lay cut open for the world, my soul bleeding out from the gaping wound.

I am no stranger to death. I was raised by the Huk War. The war has taken away the ones I cared about一friends, family. I held my father's hand as he drew his last breath when I was a child, ten years before. His hand gripped mine tightly just before falling limp. He, too, was killed in battle. But your death was different. Your body was never found. I can only remember you by the moment you fell, playing over and over at the back of my mind. It was surreal. A part of me still refused to believe it.

**I want to go to the other side, hold your hand, and end this winter. How much longing should fall like snow until spring day comes, friend?**

From the Jenuwaa sea I sailed alone, course set for Abesmi, the home of the gods. I was young, naive, foolish and reckless, hurting myself with false hopes. The voyage across the ocean was perilous, but it was the risk I chose to take for a second chance. I _am_ the leading khan of the kolkpravis. If the warriors under my command can brave through frostbites and hunger for weeks, why should a simple pilgrimage deter me?

As I sailed further south, the lush jungles of Kalee gave way to white, barren landscapes. The surrounding air became colder and colder, but I was undaunted. I pulled my mumuu hide cloak tighter, willing the chilling wind to envelop me and fill my sails. **If I were the snow drifting in the air like falling dust,** maybe, **I could reach you faster.**

 **Snowflakes are falling. I am slowly getting farther away again** until I found myself shipwrecked on the icy landmass of Grendaju, where the last karrabacs roamed. _Your birthplace._ **I miss you.** ** _I miss you._** **How long should I wait? How many more nights should I stay awake to see you一to meet you一** even for the last time?

Fatigue, hunger, the cold and the sea hunt soon caught up to me. I rowed slower than I used to. This journey had drawn all life from my body (to flow into yours) and left the earth's trembles in my arms and frozen numbness in my fingertips, but I obliged. I kept on going until I finally reached Abesmi. The sacred black pillar rose skyward from the sea, its looming shadow washing relief over me. I have heard tales passed through generations about this island being the place where our ancestors descend from and rise to the heavens. The closest I can get to the gods. I can never touch the sky, but perhaps, they would spare me some mercy.

If I could keep one last thing to remember you by, it would be a better memory. A proper farewell. Something happier.

"Please, raise her from the sea." I collapsed on my knees, pleading, "I just want to see her for one last time. I will do anything you ask."

But the gods remained silent.

No, I have never regretted sailing; on Grendaju, I met a hunter-warrior from your tribe who accompanied me on my journey back, now one of my most loyal bondsmen.

And when I returned to the shore, I saw you waiting for me.

There was no hesitation. I wrapped my arms around your shoulders and pulled you into an embrace, spinning both of us slowly on our shared axis. The familiarity of the embrace, the mischievous glint in your eyes and the soothing sound of your laughter had melted the last remains of my arduous pilgrimage, as if nothing ever happened and I was only gone for a long mission.

I wished we could stay like this forever.

_Promise me that you will stay by my side._

_I will._

There are still a lot of things to do, words to say, promises to fulfill. By the end of this year, we will celebrate our coming of age together. And one day, after the Huk is defeated, after the war ends, we will be free to explore the stars.

We were bonded by the way we helped each other to grow throughout the years. I had always admired your unique blend of ferocity and enthusiasm. As you taught me the art of swordfighting, you brought me out of my shell, taught me how to be more attuned to my surroundings and take more physical risks. You pulled me from my cloud of thoughts onto the ground.

I was more a sniper than a duelist when we first met, so as an exchange, I introduced you to my world. I taught you to think beyond what is possible, to slow down and focus your (non-existent) attention and endless energy to one thing at a time. You were a wanderer, a free spirit. You could never stay still.

Others told me that you were a corrupted soul. You had committed a sin against your bloodline. They were afraid of what you were capable of, so they gave you names一the demon, the tempter, the Incubus. But I never cared. To me, you were my friend. And that would be enough.

I was glad to be given another chance from the heavens. Through my eyes, I burned every second we spent together into my mind一battles, conversations, excursions一the little miracles I thought I would never experience again.

I wanted to remember your elusive smiles, the thoughtful look in your eyes, the way you trod lightly between childlike playfulness and sheer determination, the way your twin blades became your wings when we sparred, the way your wavy hair reflected flecks of gold back to the sun. A time will come when everything would be taken away from me once more, so I should appreciate these moments while they lasted.

Sometimes, when I stared at you for too long, you would flicker and fade and my blood would run cold in my veins, but when I heard your voice calling for my attention, I knew that you were still with me and I was relieved.

**Is it you who have changed, or is it me?**

Deep inside my heart, **I hated this flow of time, these passing moments** between us. Somehow, things had changed; no longer the way I remembered. The searing pain of grief had long since subsided but a dull ache remained, reminding me that something was missing. **I guess we both have changed.**

**I guess that's the way everything is.**

As long as we are together, we will be okay.

With you returned to me, what had been broken into pieces by your fall was being rebuilt. My fighting spirit had been reignited and I passed it on to the troops I led, inspiring them. Even though we were often outnumbered, as an army一a single unified entity一we fought with unparalleled courage and a string of victories became our reward.

A celebration was held in honour of our most recent triumph against the Huk. The storyteller sang of our deeds, retelling them in the form of melody and dance. The battle-worn kolkpravis feasted and cheered. Their raucous toasts and banters rang across the beach.

Away from the commotion, I sat by the shoreline. Beside me, you were standing with one foot on the sand and another in the waters, then crouching to meet my eye-level. We were discussing about possible battle formations before being interrupted by a voice.

"I'm sure that our victory today will make her proud,"

Facing the source of the voice, I saw a tall, monstrous figure in purple approaching us. A fearsome member of the kolkpravis. Sk'ar. You glanced at him, your eyes smiling in a silent greeting, but he only let out a laugh, his great shoulders quaking.

"She is watching over you from above." Sk'ar said, "You need to live, my Lord. Live and lead our people to victory."

I turned around and the Jenuwaa sea and the horizon were blended into one, unbroken. Between them, there was no end, and there was no beginning. Everything was blue. You were nowhere to be seen.

We both knew why.

You are not coming back.

Our youth is not coming back, no matter how hard I tried to run and hide from the truth.

I was selfish. I wanted to capture the most beautiful moments of our lives in my hands. I wanted to keep them forever. But forever doesn't exist. The tide comes and goes; no matter how hard the land tried to hold on to the ocean, water will still slip between the sand.

**Yes, I hate you. You left me but I couldn't forget you, even for a day. Honestly, I miss you, but now, I will erase you.**

**That would hurt less than resenting you.**

Time had stopped eternally for you, yet it will still go on and on for me. So, I moved on. I fell in love, had children of my own. I gave them my heart, and in return I basked in their support and affection, anchoring me to life through countless battles. I thought I was complete again.

I was wrong. I still saw you in my dreams, falling, struggling to breathe in the deep dark waters, staring right into my soul. I still saw you standing by the shore, waiting somewhere in the corner of my eye. When the world was quiet, the sea would call my name. Salty lips sighed and hummed in my ears. _You could've found her faster,_ whispered the waves, _it was all your fault. All your fault. You let her go. You didn't look for her._

_You're the one who should've died, not her._

_If you really are her friend, why leave her lying alone on her cold sea bed? Why won't you join her? She is calling for you. Can't you hear her?_

The call of the void was too strong, and nothing will ever be enough to please it.

**I say that I will erase you. But actually, I still can't let you go.**

There is a delicate line between moving forward and forgetting. It's called acceptance.

At first, accepting your death felt like losing a battle with myself. It's a passive action, a full resignation to fate一forcing me to acknowledge my own helplessness. For the first time in my life, I felt weak. As a commander, losing is a choice I could never afford. Failure is a bitter tang of blood on my tongue. I submit to no one.

But I am a khan of the Kaleesh. I am not weak. Enduring pain is an act of courage.

I wanted to stay with you. I wanted to keep dreaming of our better days. But the time has come for me to leave them all behind. I can't beg time to stay the way it was before you died.

From now on, I will stop lying to myself.

At dawn I wandered into the woods, snapping branches from trees. Branches similar to the ones we used for our mock-swordfights before you deemed me worthy enough to wield your Lig swords. Taking in the early morning air, I headed towards the holy temple of Shrupak. During one of our earliest missions together, we had defended the temple from a Huk assault.

Through the cracks of the temple's stone floor grew a flower crowned with beautiful white petals. It reminded me of you, a beauty blooming in adversity. A harbinger for rebirth amidst the grey. As if not wanting to hurt the flower, I plucked a few of the petals with great care and cradled them in my hands.

I knelt down on the floor and arranged the branches the way I would a funeral pyre. Cremation is a testament that the dead no longer exist in a tangible form, moving on to the next life as a transcended being. Without a proper burial, the elders said, the spirit cannot ascend into godhood. Before the ceremony began, they passed my late father's hunting mask to me as a symbol for his only son to carry on his legacy.

Other men from my tribe lowered his body onto his final resting place.

I placed the flower petals gently on the branches.

The holy man said his blessings and brought his torch closer to my father's serene face.

I set the petals on fire.

This act, however small, gave me a sense of closure, assuring me that death is finite. I don't believe in the gods一not anymore一but I believe that giving you the final rites will finally allow you to rest in peace.

_Goodbye._

Brilliant shades of red and amber shone over the Jenuwaa sea. The sun had risen. A heavy burden was lifted from my chest. _I won't hate you anymore,_ I breathed, _I forgive you._

And I forgave myself, too. Slowly but surely, I broke away from my guilt. I will never be the same person before you died, but I will heal. I had suffered grievous wounds from the aftermath of our friendship, but I will wear the scars proudly on my skin. To love someone means to lose them one day. I must live on as a keeper of your memories. The flower petals might have burned to dust but you will bloom in my heart for as long as I live.

I will live and grieve for you.

I thought that being a child soldier would numb me to the feeling of losing someone. Decades of war and I am still not used to it一to the deaths, the loss of hope, the gaping holes, the bitter rage. Soon, I learned that like the ocean, grief also comes in waves. First, it was you, then my wives, then my children. But I stayed afloat. There are always memories to hold on to, and instead of bringing me down with the thoughts of what could have been, they raised me up to the sky, supporting me like a mountain over the sea. I was never alone.

Maybe there is a reason why I survived. Maybe it _is_ my destiny to bear all the scars, all the grief, all the memories of the dead, so they will never be forgotten. The best thing I could do is to remember them. Their deaths will not be in vain.

I found my purpose again. The damage has been done and the dead can never be brought to life, but it's upon me now to seek justice for them, and give them the comfort denied in their lifetime.

I still have a fight to win.

(Your old Dreamer is gone. He is awake at last, and he calls himself Grievous.)

 **You know it all. You're my best friend,** my confidante, my comrade, half of my heart, _my soulmate._

Thank you for your company, your kindness, your mentorship一everything. I am already a skilled warrior, I know, but thank you for making my deadly skills even deadlier. For that, I am indebted to you. Your swordsmanship is indeed formidable, but now, it is no match for mine. Enemies tremble upon hearing my name. I have slain many of their kind without mercy. I am unstoppable. _No one_ can defeat me.

 **Mornings will come back, because no darkness, no season can last** **forever** (except for my grief for you; _it's my_ _fate_ ). A great galactic war is coming. One by one, we are walking away from the corrupt Republic. But we will not walk alone. Every star system, every planet, every species that had been oppressed by the Republic will walk alongside us. And I will lead them all.

We will all leave this false paradise built upon our suffering. They never cared about us. The useless senators reveled in their ivory tower while the greedy Huk ravaged our home and enslaved our people. When we fought back against the Huk with our lives, those cowardly scum appealed to the Republic一and the Republic sided with them! Our cries went unheard just because we had nothing to offer while the Huk had the high technology, the rich resources, all the things they lusted after. They chose to ignore us because in their eyes, we were worthless. Ignorance is bliss. For their prosperity, we became their sacrifice.

The Republic sent the Jedi to slaughter us. Sanctions and reparations were imposed. Traders cut off their ties with us. Hundreds of thousands starved to death. The Republic wanted to erase us.

I will never let that happen as long as I live. One day, they will pay dearly for their crimes.

I will never let the truth die with you.

 **I miss you.** ** _I miss you._** Yes, I still do.  
But **if you wait for a while, just a few more nights, I will be there to see you. I will come for you.**

(When I open my eyes again, I might become a completely different person, but don't worry. What I truly am will remain the same.)

How old are we now, Ronderu? Time will go on for me, but you will always be young forever. When I think of you, I will be taken back to the most cherished moments of our lives, at the divide between the harsh winter of our childhood and our blooming coming-of-age. Springtime is brief, and so was our happiness一but it was beautiful.

**At the end of this cold winter, until spring day comes again, until the flowers bloom again一please stay there a little longer.**

**Please stay.**


End file.
